I would've had an 18 year old...

It’s that time of the year again, when my heart jumps from various emotions.

It’s been 18 years since losing my son and I can’t believe it’s still so painful.

Perhaps this year hits harder because it’s the reality that I would’ve had an 18 year old.

It’s a reminder of what could’ve been, and who I was, and the emotions that come with reflecting all of that. I don’t have very many words to say compared to last year. Nothing fancy or eloquent or poetic…just a mama going through the emotions.

But I will say that pain can still be so painful after a long time; like a knife pierce-in-your-heart hurt...but what my trials and pain have shown me over the years, is that the knife pierce-in-your-heart hurts point me to Jesus, who was pierced on his hands and feet with the greatest hurt that was arguably the most painful thing experienced here on Earth.

I miss my son.

I worry about my other 2 beautiful kids and possibly having to lose another child before I would like to.

But what I wrote last year still stands more true than ever: That all my grief, pain and questions point me to my greatest gift and treasure I could ask for: Jesus. And it is because of that greatest gift and treasure that I get to see CJ again one day.

Thank you Jesus.