Life

Perfectionism Paralyzes

I can't believe it's been so long since my last blog post.

A lot has happened in the last year, including getting pregnant with our baby girl and transitioning to life with a newborn. 

Although those can be very valid reasons of why I've been quiet, the truth is, perfectionism was the reason.  The truth is, that I could have been sharing so many aspects of my life in the last 12 months- from the pregnancy, to trying out homeschooling, health flare ups, decorating, organizing, my home birth experience, basically...anything in my life! I mean, that is what a blog is for, right? Sharing?! Whether it be thoughts, ideas, emotions, tips, experiences, etc., and here I was, not sharing because I was waiting for the perfect moment, the perfect words, the perfect message, the perfect layout, the perfect pictures.

I've done this with more than just the blog. I haven't made some of my photo albums on Facebook visible to friends yet because I wanted to have the right captions, description and all photos compiled. So as of now, only those that are tagged in the photos can see them (uhmmm, it goes back to Christmas and it's July...HELLO!) 

The combined birthday shower that was in February...I am JUST now finishing up my thank you cards. (Eeek!)

Or how about how I have been meaning to share my birth story with Annabelle and why we chose home birth this time around. Uh, she's almost 3 1/2 months! Oh mylanta!

Or how I've felt the tug to have some conversations with some folks in my life...but have been putting it off because of not having the "right" words or the "right" moment.

It's been on my heart the last few weeks to really let go of perfectionism.

To let go of fear of being rejected if things aren't perfect...because honestly, even when they are, there is always going to be at least one person that still says something or still rejects you. 

To let go of the doubt I feel on whether what I am sharing is helpful or if anyone cares...because if it could help even one person, that is more than enough...and because if I feel God is leading me to do something, it doesn't matter the reason- I will go. 

And the truth is, even when I am completely imperfect, or if I am rejected, or constantly doubtful, I have a God who loves me perfectly, never rejects me and created my most inward parts. And when I remind myself of that over and over and over again, and when I go back to believing it in my heart, the perfectionism paralysis dissipates. Instead, life becomes so FREEING.

So this is my public declaration of giving myself more permission to LET GO, BE FREE (in His love and approval), and ACT! 

Here's to blog posts that may not make sense, tons of typos, imperfect photos and formatting, stuttering and rambling in videos, photos with no captions, late uploading,and probably late of a lot of stuff!  

And while I will most definitely work on bettering each of those areas, DONE is better than STUCK.  

Who of my fellow recovering perfectionists are with me?!

Lots of Love, 

Phoebe Grace  

 

Lies from Getting Healthy

Getting healthy has been a struggle for me for such a long time. With all the health issues I have from top to bottom, one would think it would behoove me to make better decisions. I have a neurological condition that I had brain surgery for, heart issues, various gynecological issues, to include needing surgery for one of them, infertility issues, abnormal bleeding that has prompted multiple procedures, pre-cancerous in a few areas, pre-diabetic/gestational diabetes, seasonal asthma, and just recently, I discovered I have a malformation in my back and osteoarthritis. That's only the physical stuff. I honestly would not be surprised if I forgot something in that list because I have almost gotten desensitized when it comes to my health. I share this list with you not to gain pity or attention, but to give you a better picture of how much I really struggled with taking the steps to living a better way, despite knowing what was at stake. 

As I reflected on why, I realized, that I was believing a lot of small and big lies. Some of these lies were half-truths, and some were flat out wrong. Nonetheless, they were all keeping me from a happier and healthier lifestyle. They are in no particular order, and I have to preface again that these were lies and truths that I felt applied to me and ones that I personally needed to realize and learn. Yours may look a little different. Here we go!

Lie #1: I don't have time. 
Truth: Everyone has the same 24 hours.  Some of the most successful, wealthiest, busiest and inspirational people in the world, ALL have the same 24 hours. These same people work crazy hours, make impacts, have families, etc. but still make the time to be healthy because they know and understand the value and importance of investing in themselves. This was hard for me, because my to-do lists are often never ending, work projects keep popping up,  and mommy and wife duties keep going, that sometimes it's hard to catch a break just for myself. The last thing I wanted to do was work out. But, I swallowed the hard truth that we MAKE time for the things we want to prioritize. 

Lie #2: I'm so tired. 
Truth: You are tired from all the things you are doing; swap one of those things for your heart and body. I was really tired, and chronic fatigue is a symptom of one of my conditions. But the reality was, that I could re-evaluate and re-prioritize my schedule to fit exercise in. The other truth to this is that we may be too tired to work out or prepare healthier stuff in the kitchen in the beginning, but in the long run, we will get more energy from doing so consistently.

Lie #3: I need my sleep.
Truth: We do need our sleep, but I was using this as an excuse to NOT work out. I could have spared 30 minutes of watching tv, resting,  procrastinating, social media time, or another thing elsewhere to prioritize my health, so that I could have better energy and health to do all the things I do need to do. Have you ever seen the rocks demonstration?! If I was honest with myself, I could work out AND sleep.   

Lie #4: I can't because of health. 
Truth: Exercising was causing pain and flare ups, but I was either discouraged or using it as an excuse to not do what I was allowed and capable of doing. This lie I was scared of for so long. After my brain surgery, I struggled with many exercises. I could only do low impact things like walking, swimming and the elliptical, but even then I had to stop after 7 minutes on the elliptical while other people next to me were 20 minutes and going strong! Regardless of what exercises I tried, if pain ever flared up, I would be afraid that my conditions would get worse, potentially leading to more surgeries. That fear paralyzed me from making healthier decisions that could decrease my pain flare ups in the long run. Even if I struggled with getting to a swimming pool, or financially couldn't get a gym membership to use an elliptical, walking was the easiest and most accessible thing to do. Although that was the case, I could never be consistent with it. I would start, then stop. I just was not motivated to do it, which leads to the next lie. 

Lie #5: I need to be motivated to do it. 
Truth: Motivation helps, but it is not needed. Does it help to be motivated to workout, make a hard relationship work, go to a tough job, etc.? Of course it helps. But if we viewed situations with a sense of urgency or changed the purpose of our actions, we could do so much more without that kind of motivation. If you needed to raise money for your sick child and were given the option to work overtime, would you care if you liked your job or not? If you knew that your health issues would take away your ability to do many things with your children, but were given the chance to change that, would you take it? I needed to be motivated by a desire, urgency and value of my future (1 Corinthians 6:19; Matthew 6:33)...not by some warm, fuzzy feelings. 

Lie #6: It's not really going to help.
Truth: Every bit helps. I told myself that walking 10 minutes is so little; it was barely going to make a dent. Whether some believe that to be true or not, 10 minutes of walking is still 10 more minutes that I was not doing anything physical for myself. Then eventually, that 10 minutes will turn into 15, then to 20.... You get the picture. Whether you take baby steps or giant leaps, you are still moving forward in a direction toward a healthier life. 

Lie #7: I tried before and nothing happened.
Truth: It takes time to see results. I know there are some people who can shed the weight and inches so easily. (Grrr, I mean, grrreat for those people!) But let's face it. Many of us fall into the category of the fact that it takes time, especially as we get older. Yipee! Many of us will not shed a large amount of weight in just days or a few weeks that took months or years to gain. I am not saying that it is not possible, because there are so many programs out there. All I am saying, is that I would start a physical plan, then be disappointed after a week or two of barely seeing any progress. It made me feel like my efforts were for nothing, and that I could use my time doing something else.  I needed to be patient and trust the process. 

Lie #8: It's not fair.
Truth: Life is not fair and everyone has a different story and purpose in their lives. I would feel discouraged, frustrated or depressed even, when I would see how others, who live such unhealthy lifestyles, not  having long lists of health issues, could get pregnant easily (or so it seemed), or did not gain a lot of weight. Playing the comparison game was not healthy or constructive for anyone, including myself. The truth is that we all have our own paths and that we only have control over the decisions we make.   

Lie #9: My past will come back.
Truth: My past is behind me. This was a really hard one for me that I did not realize affected me so gravely. It was so paralyzing, where I could be staring at the elliptical and tell myself, "Okay, just do 5 minutes today, or even 1 minute," and then not be able to. I was afraid that the horrible things that happened to me and/or the horrible decisions I made when I was thinner, would return when I inevitably lost the weight from being healthier. I will save the details for another time, but let's just say it is a long history of pain that I am still healing from. In believing this lie, I was admitting that I would rather stay unhealthy, and have potentially life threatening diseases and conditions, than to have history repeat itself. In believing this lie, I was admitting that I didn't believe God was/is in control or that He was powerful enough. But the truth is, He is! I did not realize that I was doubting and in denial right away. Of course I believed that God is sovereign, and of course I believed that God is powerful. But when I was able to sit back, reflect, and admit that these were my thoughts and feelings, I was able to see I was believing it in only certain areas of my life. I needed to overflow those beliefs to this. And when I did, it set me free. (John 8:36

Those were the lies! There may be more, but those were the frequent ones. I still struggle with all of them from time to time, but it is way better than what it was. These past few years have been a roller coaster with my health, but God is faithful and never gave up on me! With some baby steps, giant leaps, and most importantly, some deep, honest reflection times, God opened my eyes and my heart to trust Him in this area of my life. He reminded me of one of my favorite verses, 2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." I knew that I could take on the challenge and the fears because He was with me, and He is greater than anything in this world. I went from walking and low impact exercises, to doing some awesome 30 minute, sore-muscle-inducing workouts! My health has been the best it has ever been. I have had less pain flare ups, some issues resolved, and I met my end of the year goal even before the year ended! I am so excited for what 2016 has in store. I hope and pray God will continue to strengthen me, guide me and keep me focused on those big rocks to keep moving forward with my health journey!

What lies do you struggle with when it comes to getting healthier? Some of my same ones? New ones? 

Let's combat these lies together and be the healthiest we have ever been in 2016!

Lots of Love,
Phoebe Grace 

**Please be sure to consult with your doctor before starting any health plan**

Power of Words & Thoughts

Your tongue has great power. Your mind has great power. The little I know of the two already amaze me with its complexity, functionality and intelligence. The big question today is whether you are using your tongue and mind for divine things or destructive things. 

I normally see my chiropractor twice a week to manage my newly discovered back diagnoses and pain. When our 3 week Philippines vacation was quickly approaching, I began to wonder what my level of pain and capacity would be like going without any adjustments. After less than a week of bumpy roads, long car rides and sleeping in different beds, my back was beginning to feel the high levels of pain.

Beautiful Greenery in Ilocos Norte. Lots of bumpy roads to get to this beauty!

Beautiful Greenery in Ilocos Norte. Lots of bumpy roads to get to this beauty!

I began to research chiropractors in the Philippines and stumbled upon Dr. Jon Motley, who owns Lighthouse Chiropractic and Applied Kinesiology Center. His chiropractic practice is unique in that he also specializes in applied kinesiology. There seemed to be a lot of science to it, but the gist of what I understood was that he discovers which areas of your body are not working properly through muscle testing, and corrects or resets them on top of adjusting patients. This method, he explained, goes deeper into the root causes and also provides longer relief. (Which I could attest to, since I went the remaining 2 weeks of my vacation medicine free without being adjusted again!)

What baffled me most about my visit with him, was the part where we started tying in emotions to our bodies. It was no surprise to me when he was explaining that what we eat and our emotions highly affect our physical body and are all intertwined. What I didn’t realize was how much it did, even in its simplest, unintentional form.

Let me explain.

Dr. Motley checked all areas of my body to see how well my muscles were working. When it came to the emotional aspect, he tested it through my upper body strength. He asked me to say phrases like “I am alive,” and “I want to be healthy,” etc. Positive phrases. After each phrase, he would test my strength, probably to see if there were any signs of weakness. I asked him why I had to say those things. He then instructed me to say the opposite: “I am not alive.” And then he tested my muscle strength: significantly weaker! I laughed!!! I was so amazed at how even reciting the negative without me being sad, emotional or even wanting to mean it (or it being true for that matter) had such an impact on my strength. What more if I actually believed and felt some negative phrases, which is something I often struggle with. Hence, our words have great power.

Dr. Motley then proceeded to do something similar with my thoughts. He had me think of different things (work, finances, home and family) and tested my strength after each one. First one up: work. For the record, I absolutely love my job, the company I work for and the people I work with. It is an awesome place to be and I am so thankful to be working for the best boss and have such amazing co-workers! Nevertheless, I guess I didn’t realize how stressed I was because my strength was significantly weaker compared to some of the other categories. Dr. Motley even repeated some just to make sure I wasn’t growing tired and got the same results. Again, I was seriously amazed! I couldn’t help but laugh! I didn’t realize how certain things were really stressing me out, that even thinking about one tiny aspect of a project at work made my body so much weaker. What more if I thought of bigger projects, or how about when I dwell on certain thoughts? Hence, our thoughts have great power.

The two that get "my worst" when I'm stressed or having a bad day...my boys! On the boat in El Nido, Palawan, Philippines

The two that get "my worst" when I'm stressed or having a bad day...my boys!
On the boat in El Nido, Palawan, Philippines

Visiting Dr. Motley’s practice was not only an answered prayer for my back pain, but one for emotional, mental and spiritual.

I intentionally put this blog post in the family category because let’s face it; the people that we are closest to- our spouse, kids, siblings, and parents- are the very people that we have no problem unleashing negativity on when it comes to our words and thoughts.

 

We all know that hurtful words can destroy relationships and a person. We all know that hurtful thoughts toward someone can bring anger and resentment so deep, that reconciliation seems hopeless in the darkness. What this visit with Dr. Motley showed me, is that it doesn’t just destroy the person you say things to or think certain things about. Friends, it destroys you.

My body was so much weaker even in the simplest, unintentional form of saying negative phrases that weren't true and thinking of simple, stressful thoughts. How much more are our bodies affected when we repetitively, and intentionally say or think hopeless, angry, stressful, bitter, and discouraging things?

With more than two weeks of the vacation left, I knew I needed to remind myself of this new realization...and let me tell you it was hard! The heat and humidity were enough to get both my thoughts and my words going toward anger and irritation at my two boys. The heat also was not helping my husband’s attitude or capacity to function, so that upset me even more at times.

Me and my hubby on one of the HOTTEST days during our vacation

Me and my hubby on one of the HOTTEST days during our vacation

So how did I combat it?

First off, I had to admit and remember that I could not do it on my own. If I left it up to me, the cycle of frustration, anger, disappointment and irritability would just go on and on. I knew I needed to turn to God, who is greater than anything in this world- I mean, He created it! He has the power to break any chain, and these were some that needed breaking, not just for this vacation, but even at home.

Secondly, I had to preach Truths to myself repeatedly. It wasn’t enough to admit and be reminded of it. Instead of filling my thoughts and my mouth with destructive and dark things that would hurt myself and others, I needed to intentionally fill it with divine Scripture that gave Light. As my visit with Dr. Motley helped me realize, even if I don’t mean something, my words still had a great effect on my body. So friends, start saying things that have positive effects and implications, even if you don’t mean it or believe it. Even if you don’t believe that you can be patient with your kids and spouse, even if you don’t believe you can say “no” to something that will bring you down, or whatever other seemingly impossible task is ahead of you…just say it. Tell yourself you can overcome; God will overcome. You’d be surprised what will follow in the future.

Thirdly, I had to believe. Wait, didn’t I just say to speak things even if you don’t believe it? Well, yes. Believing will come the more you tell yourself something. So believe in the CAN’S. Believe in the WILL’S. Believe in Hope, Faith and Love.  I had to (and continue to have to) believe Truths and believe that my thoughts and my words can change. God can heal our minds and our words, which in turn will heal our relationships and our lives.

The next time you tell yourself you can’t do something – be it career, school, an illness, be loving and patient in a tough marriage where it’s not reciprocated, be loving and patient to your family, be respectful and show kindness to your co-workers, or neighbors, whatever it may be- be prepared to also say that God isn’t big enough. Be prepared for a more stressed and weaker body. God has been putting these two words on my heart lately for different aspects of my life:

How long?

How long? How long will you allow your mind and body to go through this? How long do you want to be exhausted, stressed, overwhelmed, burdened? How long will it take for you to believe that God is able? And that He wants more for you? How long will it take for you to trust in His plans and power? Don’t stand in the middle of having the more freeing life that God has for you. Remember, repeat and believe with me today.

Lots of Love,
Phoebe Grace