You Can Be Free From The Impossible

Before you read on, I want to already put it out there, this isn’t a how-to post, a post using scripture to explain why what I’m going to share is hurtful and destructive, or a practical post…

This is me sharing this part of my story however way God chooses to use it.

Maybe it’s for someone to know they’re not alone. Maybe it’s to give you a different perspective. Maybe it’s for you to think of whatever it is that is still enslaving you.

Quick side note- I’ve been asked why I haven’t spoken much (online) about what’s been happening in recent events with being a woman, being an Asian woman (Filipino), and being an Asian woman who has experienced sexual trauma.

My simple answer?

I (try to) do what I believe GOD wants me to do in ANY situation, not what PEOPLE want me to do. (I still fail in this, btw.)

It is with that, that I share this super vulnerable post with you that I’ve never shared publicly before. I believe God has been tugging on my heart to share it for some time now, so here we are. (If God leads to talk about the other things, that will be for another time.)

Maybe this is for you...

Maybe it’s for someone you know…

But I believe it’s for anyone who is struggling to let go, believe and trust in God more in any area...that with Him, anything is possible.

Over 15 years ago, I struggled with porn.

I know the common talked about struggle with porn is with men, but women struggle too.

When you’ve had a history of various forms of abuse, it is common to look for love, comfort and fulfillment in many unhealthy ways, whether in habits, relationships, and with today’s topic: porn.

Let’s be real, even without that kind of past, women can still struggle with this.

It was a secret struggle that no one knew at the time.

It wasn’t just an every once in a while struggle, either.

I not only watched regularly, but I subscribed to them and had specific videos sent to my email.

That is how deep this addiction ran.

And no one knew…

I thank God He has delivered me from this.

I thank God I have an amazing husband that not only loved me without judgment through sharing this part of my history, but has also joined me in trusting God in other areas as it relates to sex and boundaries.

If delivering me from porn wasn’t enough to give God praise and glory...I wanted to share one more way in our lives He has shown us that with our own human strength, things are impossible, but with Him, all things are possible.

The year we got engaged, our pastor at the time lovingly challenged us to abstain until we got married. He knew this would be hard and that we lived together, but as our pastor shepherding us, it was his role to make this ask.

And let me tell you…

If you know my history, you know, that this was gonna be HARD! And to top it all off, we lived together?! Wheeeeew!

BUT GOD!!!

We were able to do it...for each other, for God, and BECAUSE of God until we said, “I do.”

And now being happily married for 11.5 years, we always place boundaries with things we watch, including forwarding through scenes when we’re able, in order to protect our marriage and ourselves. (even if it’s been over 15 years since my last time watching porn.)

Friend, whatever you’re struggling with...I pray this gives you Hope. I pray this is good news for you that there is Light at the end of the tunnel…because of the REAL Good News.

I overcame my addiction and struggle with porn, not by my own doing and strength, but His; I couldn’t do it on my own.

My husband and I were able to abstain because of His strength, conviction, and self-control; we couldn’t do it on our own.

We continue to set these boundaries for our marriage, despite what others may think about it by His strength, power, and confidence; we wouldn’t be able to on our own.

This is freeing news that you aren’t expected to fix things, heal from things or clean yourself up on your own.

This is not only GOOD NEWS, but the BEST news, that Jesus already did this for you….because the reality is- you can’t.

We can’t fix the problem of sin.

We can’t heal our broken relationship with God.

We can’t clean ourselves up to come before a Holy God...no amount of good works will ever be enough.

Even the most humble, kind person who ever lived, still sinned and is in need of a Savior.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to save ourselves.

As we approach Good Friday and Easter, I pray that you are able to reflect on the things you struggle trusting God in and the things that you struggle giving to Him the most.

I pray that you are able to lay them at the foot of the cross.

I pray that as you continue to work through leaving it there, and not picking it back up again, that you are reminded you don’t have to fight through it on your own...and that you remember that you can’t...you weren’t made to...

You can’t save and fix something you were never meant to save and fix...but Jesus can.

“With man, this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:26)

With God, He made it possible and made a way through Jesus.

Would you invite Him more into your heart this week?

Even if it’s with hesitation...even if it’s with doubt...even if it’s with fear…

He just wants you.

You are His.
You are free in Christ.
You are loved.
You are not alone.

He can take your mustard seed of faith...because He is GOD! And I’m so thankful we are not…

PS- If you struggle with porn and want to be free from it, here are some resources to start:

Podcast - Where the Gospel Meets Pornography

Book: Captured by a Better Vision: Living Porn-Free

Article & Book: Severing the Shackles of Porn

Songs Referenced above:
Make Room by Community Music
Available by Elevation Worship
Moving Forward by Israel Houghton

Having an Anti-Eden mindset, in an Eden-desired world

Okay, so I'm not ANTI-eden. Totally admitting to that click bait right there.

But you'll see why I'm writing this blog today and what I mean by the title by the end of this post.

We all want paradise. We all want perfection. We all wish and wonder that pain and suffering was no more.

Unfortunately, brokenness entered this world and continues to repeat, no matter how much love and light is spread around us.

We had EVERYTHING, and yet we were so focused on the ONE thing we didn't have and believed we couldn't have. (Okay, by we, I mean our homeboy and homegirl Adam and Eve.)

We can point all the fingers we want to those "original two" and the "first and original sin", but the truth is, we still do this today.

Even with knowing that they made this choice and we could make a different one.

Even with knowing what had to be done on our behalf BECAUSE of perpetual and habitual sin and brokenness in this world.

Even with the truth of how sacrificial, excruciatingly painful and gory of what Jesus did for us so we could believe without a shadow of a doubt, that we are loved and that our sins are paid for, do we still have doubt.

I'll summarize that last one, because I'm sure you either were confused or loved the grammar on it. ;)

We already know that we don't have to earn or strive for love, acceptance, or propitiation because we have the knowledge of what Jesus did for us. And by His resurrection, we now have the Holy Spirit as our helper, and yet, we still strive for it all! We still doubt. We still worry. We still try to control. We still want more things, even when we have SO many things.

We are no different from Adam and Eve!

So what CAN we do?

Don't focus on Eden.

Don't focus on desiring paradise, being all-knowing, and having a pain-free life.

Have an ANTI-Eden mindset.

Instead of having EVERYTHING and wanting the ONE thing they believed they couldn't have….realize and believe that you ALREADY have EVERYTHING in the ONE person and the ONE act that was done on your behalf. (Romans 5:18-21)

When you do, you will start to believe that the Eden you are searching for, you already have it all in Jesus: Paradise (whether here or in Heaven), someone who is ALL-KNOWING so you don't have to be, and someone who suffered an immeasurable amount, so you wouldn't feel the full weight of the pain here on Earth, AND so you will be pain-free and whole one day in glory with Him.

When you do, you will stop striving and chasing earthly things, and instead you will be seeing and spending more time with Jesus and serving for eternal things.

Then all of the sudden, all of those other earthly things start growing dimmer and dimmer, and that paradise in Heaven, actually starts transferring here on Earth, regardless of whether your circumstances change...

...because you're not putting your faith, trust and hope in Eden; you're putting it in the One who created Eden, and who IS everything we desire from Eden and MORE!

Living My Last Days

By the time I got home yesterday, my pain reached an 8. I wanted to do this post last night but by the end of the night, the pain was too great that I couldn’t.

I was not as cognizant. I was dizzy. I was nauseous. My head felt like a combination of pressure, drills, being on fire and more. The pain worsened as the night progressed despite taking stronger pain relief. When I would fall asleep to rest, I’d randomly be woken up by the extreme pain.

It was that kind of flare up.

As I reflected though, even with that high pain, if yesterday were my last day, I’d have NO regrets, and I’ll share why in a minute.

First, let me share with you how I spent it:

• Advocating for something I believed in, despite possibly looking stupid or going against the majority (Fellow people pleasers and approval seekers know how hard this is, especially in a large room of strangers. It would’ve been SO much easier to keep my mouth shut.)

• Serving my community to my best capacity. (Not the high expectation I set for myself or the ones others place on me that I willingly take on where both leave my frustrated, tired or both.)

• Serving those I care about and love to my best capacity. (Not the high expectation I set for myself or the ones others place on me that I willingly take on where both leave my frustrated, tired or both.)

• Serving the women I coach and are a part of Overcoming with Grace to my best capacity. (Not perfectly, but gave what I could)

• Prioritized my health by exercising, reading, read by Bible, praying, listening to a podcast, eating healthy fuel and then having a little joy treat at the end.

• Spent time with my kids. I talked with them. Hugged them. Kissed them. Told them I loved them so many times.

• Ended the night in the arms of my husband watching Friends while eating my favorite: chocolate. PERFECT combo right?! Hubby. Friends. Chocolate!

It was an AMAZING day and exactly how I want to be living the rest of my days. Now I know I won’t be able to live EVERY day as if it were my last. But the aha moment I had in my office before I closed my laptop was this: This is why I’m doing what I’m doing as a life coach. This is what I want the women in my life to know that they can do as well….that we can LIVE…that we can SERVE…that we can LOVE, even with our physical, mental and emotional limitations.

My pain was one of the highest levels yesterday, and yet I felt the most content, filled, and even ALIVE. My depression and anxiety flared up the worst it has in awhile, where I had to be in treatment for months earlier this year, and yet I am living out my calling and purpose more than I ever have in my life.

How is that?!

It’s because of the thoughts I was having.

It’s because of the thoughts I was taking captive. The negative thoughts will always come, and they were definitely coming even yesterday.

As the pain was progressing throughout the day…I was thinking, “How am I going to have my sessions?” “How am I going to cook for my family?”

And although these are valid questions that we often try to fix and find solutions for…what we don’t realize is that these questions sometimes continue to leave us in bondage.

Once I remembered that whatever God had for me yesterday, no limitation or pain of mine can stop, it gave me this strength to finish out my day. But I had to be intentional with remembering it.

I may not have finished my day perfectly….maybe it wasn’t how I would’ve originally envisioned it to be…but it was exactly what it was supposed to be.

AND IF YOU’VE READ THIS FAR, KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT A GOODBYE NOTE.

As I was sharing this with my husband, he was like, “You’re not leaving me, are you?!”

For those that know I have struggled with depression since I was young, this can be a very real question and concern as I am sharing yesterday’s aha’s. But please know this post is coming from a place of FULL passion, excitement, and an even deeper realization that what God has planned for me, nothing can stop.

Not my pain. Not my physical conditions. Not depression. Not anxiety. Not my past. NOTHING.

And my hope and prayer is that those that see my story, those I work with, and those that God places in my life, including you reading, will see me living it out and know that it is also possible for you and them too.