Before you read on, I want to already put it out there, this isn’t a how-to post, a post using scripture to explain why what I’m going to share is hurtful and destructive, or a practical post…
This is me sharing this part of my story however way God chooses to use it.
Maybe it’s for someone to know they’re not alone. Maybe it’s to give you a different perspective. Maybe it’s for you to think of whatever it is that is still enslaving you.
Quick side note- I’ve been asked why I haven’t spoken much (online) about what’s been happening in recent events with being a woman, being an Asian woman (Filipino), and being an Asian woman who has experienced sexual trauma.
My simple answer?
I (try to) do what I believe GOD wants me to do in ANY situation, not what PEOPLE want me to do. (I still fail in this, btw.)
It is with that, that I share this super vulnerable post with you that I’ve never shared publicly before. I believe God has been tugging on my heart to share it for some time now, so here we are. (If God leads to talk about the other things, that will be for another time.)
Maybe this is for you...
Maybe it’s for someone you know…
But I believe it’s for anyone who is struggling to let go, believe and trust in God more in any area...that with Him, anything is possible.
Over 15 years ago, I struggled with porn.
I know the common talked about struggle with porn is with men, but women struggle too.
When you’ve had a history of various forms of abuse, it is common to look for love, comfort and fulfillment in many unhealthy ways, whether in habits, relationships, and with today’s topic: porn.
Let’s be real, even without that kind of past, women can still struggle with this.
It was a secret struggle that no one knew at the time.
It wasn’t just an every once in a while struggle, either.
I not only watched regularly, but I subscribed to them and had specific videos sent to my email.
That is how deep this addiction ran.
And no one knew…
I thank God He has delivered me from this.
I thank God I have an amazing husband that not only loved me without judgment through sharing this part of my history, but has also joined me in trusting God in other areas as it relates to sex and boundaries.
If delivering me from porn wasn’t enough to give God praise and glory...I wanted to share one more way in our lives He has shown us that with our own human strength, things are impossible, but with Him, all things are possible.
The year we got engaged, our pastor at the time lovingly challenged us to abstain until we got married. He knew this would be hard and that we lived together, but as our pastor shepherding us, it was his role to make this ask.
And let me tell you…
If you know my history, you know, that this was gonna be HARD! And to top it all off, we lived together?! Wheeeeew!
BUT GOD!!!
We were able to do it...for each other, for God, and BECAUSE of God until we said, “I do.”
And now being happily married for 11.5 years, we always place boundaries with things we watch, including forwarding through scenes when we’re able, in order to protect our marriage and ourselves. (even if it’s been over 15 years since my last time watching porn.)
Friend, whatever you’re struggling with...I pray this gives you Hope. I pray this is good news for you that there is Light at the end of the tunnel…because of the REAL Good News.
I overcame my addiction and struggle with porn, not by my own doing and strength, but His; I couldn’t do it on my own.
My husband and I were able to abstain because of His strength, conviction, and self-control; we couldn’t do it on our own.
We continue to set these boundaries for our marriage, despite what others may think about it by His strength, power, and confidence; we wouldn’t be able to on our own.
This is freeing news that you aren’t expected to fix things, heal from things or clean yourself up on your own.
This is not only GOOD NEWS, but the BEST news, that Jesus already did this for you….because the reality is- you can’t.
We can’t fix the problem of sin.
We can’t heal our broken relationship with God.
We can’t clean ourselves up to come before a Holy God...no amount of good works will ever be enough.
Even the most humble, kind person who ever lived, still sinned and is in need of a Savior.
It is IMPOSSIBLE to save ourselves.
As we approach Good Friday and Easter, I pray that you are able to reflect on the things you struggle trusting God in and the things that you struggle giving to Him the most.
I pray that you are able to lay them at the foot of the cross.
I pray that as you continue to work through leaving it there, and not picking it back up again, that you are reminded you don’t have to fight through it on your own...and that you remember that you can’t...you weren’t made to...
You can’t save and fix something you were never meant to save and fix...but Jesus can.
“With man, this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:26)
With God, He made it possible and made a way through Jesus.
Would you invite Him more into your heart this week?
Even if it’s with hesitation...even if it’s with doubt...even if it’s with fear…
He just wants you.
You are His.
You are free in Christ.
You are loved.
You are not alone.
He can take your mustard seed of faith...because He is GOD! And I’m so thankful we are not…
PS- If you struggle with porn and want to be free from it, here are some resources to start:
Podcast - Where the Gospel Meets Pornography
Book: Captured by a Better Vision: Living Porn-Free
Article & Book: Severing the Shackles of Porn
Songs Referenced above:
Make Room by Community Music
Available by Elevation Worship
Moving Forward by Israel Houghton