This year, my son would’ve been 20 years old. I first wrote about him three years ago….
Since then, grief did lose the sting it used to carry…
But the pain was as strong as the year I lost him.
Something about milestones…
Grief is a funny thing…
I drive past where he is buried often. But for some reason, this year, as it got closer to his birthday, this year hit differently.
Christian John (CJ) would've been 20 years old this year. I had felt tears coming up as his birthday got closer and closer...
But with day to day responsibilities and life, I brushed it away so I could take care of what was in front of me. When I was praying with some women from our church the night before his birthday for other things, I asked them to keep me in prayer that weekend as it neared my CJ's 20th.
They asked me if I had let myself cry...
I told them no.
Each time I feel it coming up my throat or my eyes...I stopped it.
As we drove by the cemetery on the way home the next day, this song played…
And with my head turned toward the window, I let myself cry.
As I remembered holding my son…
As I remembered the nurses and hospital staff walking around the room knowing what was ahead…
As I remembered when they called time, I remembered hoping and praying they'd come back every hour telling me a miracle happened and he's now breathing...
And then remembering the grief and sharp pains to my heart feeling the "no" every time and that he really was gone...
It's the same grief and sharp pain that hit on that drive home...
And I cried more.
Alan was asking me questions of random things....
I tried my best to answer without him knowing I was crying...
And when he eventually knew what was happening without me saying anything...
He started rubbing me and comforting me and said nothing else. He knew.
And in that moment, I thanked God for this physical picture of His love and comfort from my husband, reminding me He knows...
Reminding me how He's always been there...
And as Alan held my hand, not saying anything, more tears came...
I don't know why I had to lose my first son then...
I don't know why Alan and I had a miscarriage after...
I don't know why it took 1.5 years to get pregnant with Aaron...
I don't know why it took 4 years to get pregnant with Annabelle...
I don't know if it's in God's will for us to have more....
I don't always understand everything else that's happened in my life...
But what I do know is this:
God is good...
He has my heart...
My WHOLE heart...
He always has.... even when I didn't feel it, or believe it, or would straight out doubt and deny it...
And the fact that I can even say that and doubt and deny a Holy God, the fact that you can sometimes think or say this too, in itself, shows how GOOD and GRACIOUS He is.
And with that, through the tears...
I praised my Father. I praised my Jesus. My King of Kings.
Yes, grief is a funny thing.
Yes, it has no timelines…
It’s like the ocean and comes in waves:
Sometimes the waters are still…
Sometimes they’re small...
Sometimes the waves are big and crashing...
Sometimes the waves are so huge that it feels like they’re overtaking you and you are drowning and can’t breathe…
You can be grieving a loss of someone…
You can be grieving a loss of a relationship…
Or loss of a job…
Or grieving a loss of your identity… (even harmful parts are hard to let go when it’s time to…)
You can be grieving a loss of part of your health…
Whatever it may be...grief can take many shapes and forms.
When grief comes, allow it.
Don’t push it away; it’s already hurting…
Don’t make it hurt more by telling it it’s not wanted or welcomed.
Grief reminds you that you cared for something…
Grief reminds you that you had something good…
Grief points to the good you will have again, and the Good you have now while waiting…
Grief reminds you you’re human.
Grief reminds you that you love, and that you are loved…
And if you’re afraid the grief will overtake you to the point where you will drown and can’t breathe, remember the One who created the oceans, and can calm the storms with a single word... that He is near...that He saves those that are crushed, and not only does He wipe away every tear from your eyes now, but He cares for you so much that He knows how many tears you will cry in your lifetime and keeps them, and made a way so that one day, there will be no more mourning, crying or pain.
When it feels too much, give it to Him…
He will guide you what to do next and when, while He comforts you and carries you through it.
When you learn to hold both grief and Hope at the same time...
That’s when you can experience a taste of Heaven here on Earth, until we can experience Heaven fully when our time here on Earth is done on that glorious day...
Until then, as you grieve, hang on to Hope...
