Grief after 17 years...

It's been 17 years since my first baby was born. 

Grief can be a funny thing. Some years are harder than others, some are easier; you never know what each year will bring you. 

Grief brings joy: it reminds you of the beautiful memories you had. I remember feeling the very first kicks in my belly as a pregnant mom. I remember reading out loud so he'd hear my voice. I remember holding him in my arms for the first time.

It also brings a different kind of joy, where I am reminded of the blessings around me now- my two beautiful kids, a husband that loves me, family, friends, the list goes on and on. 

Grief brings heartache: it reminds you of the painful memories. I don't remember many parts of my labor. But I remember when he came out, I was so worried that he didn't cry and that he looked pale and a little blue. I don't remember how he smelled when I first held him. But I remember everyone crying around me, knowing the reality of my son's lifespan with a diagnosis of Trisomy 18. I wasn't crying though. Because I remember the HOPE I had while he was in my arms, that even when they called time, "2:45 pm," for his last heart beat, I still believed for a miracle. Even after they had to take him away after a few hours, I still believed they would come rushing back, yelling that a miracle did happen. 

And when no one came, and I was transferred to my postpartum room, with a white rose on my door as a symbol of my precious boy, I still didn't cry. That night was a blur to me. I don't remember if I felt numb, sad, or angry. But I do remember when I got home...to an empty crib... and brought in the empty car seat...the untouched clothes...that is when I finally broke down. 

I remember the sharp, stabbing pain in my heart like it was yesterday, as I wept in that room. It's the same pain I sometimes experience during this time of the year.

Some years have brought complete sadness. Some have given a little joy. Very few have given complete peace around this time. But one thing I know for sure, every year, it brings me closer to my Savior...and that is where the real miracle is. 

The comfort, healing, peace, and deep love that only comes from Him. Allowing Him into my heart and life and transforming this broken girl from the inside out...that is the miracle, all because of God.  

"O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?"

1 Corinthians 15:55 says, "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" A recent sermon at my church (Truly: Steadfast and Immovable), reminded me that because Jesus took every ounce of the poisonous sting upon himself, we don't have to fear death, or any pain that is associated with it. He gave His life, so I could have mine, so my son could have his eternally. 

And although I may not understand why my son only had 23 minutes to live on this earth, I know that because of what Jesus did, I will get to see him one day again in heaven, where his body will be complete, whole and without any illness.

Grief can bring joy. It can bring sadness. But the fact that it brings me closer to Jesus every year, as heart breaking as it can be sometimes, my soul is thankful.

For anything that brings me closer to Him is truly a gift.

Until we meet again, my precious CJ... 

Whole Foods Based Cleanse Results!

In August, I ventured with doing another 21 day cleanse to help detox and rid my body of some toxins and other gunk to help my system, and hopefully help with decreasing flare up severeness and episodes. 

The last time I successfully completed one was in the Fall of 2015, and actually, that is what jump started my whole health journey. I try to do one yearly, per the recommendation of my chiropractor, so last year I started one in July of 2016, but had to stop because I found out I was pregnant with our now, daughter! 

So when the opportunity arose for me to do it this year, I was excited to see if it could help with my postpartum goals, and my symptoms, since it seemed like I was getting them more often with lack of sleep and possibly the build up in my system from not fully completing one since September 2015. 

Cleanse + Breastfeeding

I saw another coach who did this cleanse while breastfeeding (Lindsay Matway). She personally talked to one of the co-creators and got the green light with adjustments. And because they are also the same creators of Shakeology, the superfood shake that has improved ALL of my health issues and even healed some, I knew they were people I could trust. It is not recommended for those that are pregnant. 

Some of the foods we had during the cleanse, plus tons of distilled water that we added minerals to.

Like her, I made 2 adjustments while doing the cleanse. 1) The supplements we take are all natural. However, it is recommended to NOT take the detox supplement, because those toxins can potentially be released into your breast milk, which we do not want! 2) You need to increase your daily food intake by approximately 500 calories, the approximate amount that our bodies burn from breastfeeding each day. Now, I highly recommend, encourage and even INSIST that you talk to your doctor before even considering doing this cleanse, as well as maybe a lactation consultant. I am NOT a professional, and only sharing my experience and opinions. I continued because one, vegetarians and vegans can still breastfeed, and two I know that eating a healthier lifestyle can only do good to my body, which in turn I felt would be good for my breast milk and then my baby.

Every body and woman is different. I personally saw an increase in my milk supply in the middle of the cleanse. I shared this on Day 10, here. My filter was not as great during the cleanse, so please forgive me...lol

Again, if you are going to do this, please make sure to consider everything thoroughly before making the decision, including talking to your doctor about it. 

What is the Ultimate Reset?

The Ultimate Reset is a 21 day whole foods based cleanse that is natural and uses foods, such as fresh fruits, vegetables, and other whole foods, along with supplements, so you're not in starvation mode. By cleansing and detoxing, you are helping your gut heal, gaining your energy back, gaining more mental clarity and focus, and overall, maximizing your health physically, emotionally and mentally. There are THREE phases. Week one incorporates some animal protein, while week 2 and 3 we are vegan and continue to cut out more things, such as grains. By doing it this way, it gives our body the opportunity to heal and restore to its best state! 

The results

I personally lost a total of 10.2 lbs and 8 inches! I ran a group of 10 of us total who did the cleanse, which I would HIGHLY recommend. When I did my first cleanse in 2015, I was able to complete it on my own. BOTH ways are hard, I'm not gonna lie. But doing it with other people made the journey SOOOO much better. We were able to motivate each other, encourage each other, whine together, say we wanted to give up together, but more importantly PRAY for each other. 

You have to remember why you wanted to do this, and you have to keep those reasons close to you to get you through the hard times. The 21 days may feel like a long time, but it does go by really fast. 

Total, my group lost 115.3 lbs and 56.75 inches. This is the bare MINIMUM because not everyone measured. Isn't that SOOOO amazing?!?!? Here are some of the things some folks shared at the end:

"I learned how to be SATISFIED with foods that are wholesome and healthier for my body, and even post reset already, I'm still satisfied with the foods I'm continuing to eat from the reset plan!"

"I learned that food is fuel, and that I can not only live with lesser treats, but my body feels much better."

"I learned that I can do hard things."

"I learned that when I give it my all, I can actually finish something I started."

"I learned to rely more on God for the things that I don't think I can do, and for the things I mess up on."

Personally for me, my cravings are better, which after very many treats during and post pregnancy, is AWESOME, so I can get back into my pre-pregnancy eating lifestyle with lesser struggles. It has given me more energy to tackle more Mommy duties such as sleep regressions, sleep training and homeschooling. My mental clarity is better; even when I am struggling emotionally with the lack of sleep...I am able to make better decisions of addressing it healthily, including reaching out to others.

I would HIGHLY recommend doing one yearly as well. It's only once a year. The financial and time investment is SO worth it. We easily spend how much on things that don't contribute to our greater health, which in turn makes us better to serve our families, our jobs, etc. We easily spend the time doing things that are mindless. The time will pass anyway...and I KNOW you can do hard things! 

You are worth it. Your loved ones are worth it. Your purpose is worth it! 

If you are considering doing the cleanse, let's chat! The next time we tentatively plan to do it is not until January of 2019. In the meantime, we will be doing multiple mini 3 day cleanses. (Our next one is after Thanksgiving!) But if you want to do it now, you DO NOT have to wait! We can work together one on one, and I can plug you into some awesome groups. Ready to do it? You can get it here. 

If the cleanse is not something you're ready for, but do want to take steps to a healthier lifestyle, join our virtual health and fitness accountability and motivational group here.

Looser clothes, pounds gone, inches lost...just some of the amazing transformations from the inside, out!

Have other questions? Contact me here and I will get back to you within 24-48 hours:

MY BREASTFEEDING DISCOVERY

As many of you know, I have been asking for advice on my breastfeeding journey with Annabelle. With Aaron, I started struggling at 4 months and did what I could- pump after every feeding, supplements, and diet, but after 3 months of trying, it did not increase or help, and we had to do formula fully at 7 months.

With Annabelle, we are trying different methods to see if it will help. I did not want to pump after every feeding and possibly have the same outcome of it not helping. Breastfeeding can already be draining in itself, so to add pumping after every feeding is not something that will be best for our family right now.   

It may seem like a little, but that stuff adds up, and it's just going into the nursing pad and/or gets emptied out to promote more milk.

So many moms were recommending to get the Haakaa. I bought this one without the suction bottom. I wish I bought this one in hindsight to ensure it doesn't fall over after placing it down. And let me tell you, it is AWESOME!!! I did a video review on my Facebook here that you can catch. 

It is SUPER convenient. While nursing Annabelle, I just plop it on the other side so it catches precious milk that would just go into the nursing pad...ahhh, what a waste! Once you get the right suction, it sticks and stays, hands-free! And it is so easy to clean and travel with. No extra bra, or multiple pieces to wash, including the tiny crevices...so it makes doing it for every feeding SO much easier. And currently, I am nursing Annabelle every 2-3 hours, so to have to pump the traditional style after every one like I did with Aaron is not something I could do right now, especially if it would yield the same outcome (or lack thereof). It basically feels like I'd be either nursing, pumping or cleaning the stuff with that schedule. 

So easy and convenient!

It's only been a few days, but I am able to get anywhere between 0.5-1.5 oz for each feeding with minimal effort...which is pretty much the same amount I was getting in my earlier months with Annabelle with pumping the traditional style post-feedings, and definitely more than what I was getting with Aaron. (I'd barely get 0.5 oz most times.)   

I absolutely love the Haakaa! They say that the baby will help increase milk supply the most, so using this to catch the milk on the other side while nursing is genius! I still nurse her on both sides for each feeding, so it has been so easy to use this for each one. If you are breastfeeding, know someone who is, or attending a baby shower soon, this makes an awesome addition to baby "must-haves." Get yours by clicking the image below!

Hello, World!