Grief after 17 years...

It's been 17 years since my first baby was born. 

Grief can be a funny thing. Some years are harder than others, some are easier; you never know what each year will bring you. 

Grief brings joy: it reminds you of the beautiful memories you had. I remember feeling the very first kicks in my belly as a pregnant mom. I remember reading out loud so he'd hear my voice. I remember holding him in my arms for the first time.

It also brings a different kind of joy, where I am reminded of the blessings around me now- my two beautiful kids, a husband that loves me, family, friends, the list goes on and on. 

Grief brings heartache: it reminds you of the painful memories. I don't remember many parts of my labor. But I remember when he came out, I was so worried that he didn't cry and that he looked pale and a little blue. I don't remember how he smelled when I first held him. But I remember everyone crying around me, knowing the reality of my son's lifespan with a diagnosis of Trisomy 18. I wasn't crying though. Because I remember the HOPE I had while he was in my arms, that even when they called time, "2:45 pm," for his last heart beat, I still believed for a miracle. Even after they had to take him away after a few hours, I still believed they would come rushing back, yelling that a miracle did happen. 

And when no one came, and I was transferred to my postpartum room, with a white rose on my door as a symbol of my precious boy, I still didn't cry. That night was a blur to me. I don't remember if I felt numb, sad, or angry. But I do remember when I got home...to an empty crib... and brought in the empty car seat...the untouched clothes...that is when I finally broke down. 

I remember the sharp, stabbing pain in my heart like it was yesterday, as I wept in that room. It's the same pain I sometimes experience during this time of the year.

Some years have brought complete sadness. Some have given a little joy. Very few have given complete peace around this time. But one thing I know for sure, every year, it brings me closer to my Savior...and that is where the real miracle is. 

The comfort, healing, peace, and deep love that only comes from Him. Allowing Him into my heart and life and transforming this broken girl from the inside out...that is the miracle, all because of God.  

"O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?"

1 Corinthians 15:55 says, "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" A recent sermon at my church (Truly: Steadfast and Immovable), reminded me that because Jesus took every ounce of the poisonous sting upon himself, we don't have to fear death, or any pain that is associated with it. He gave His life, so I could have mine, so my son could have his eternally. 

And although I may not understand why my son only had 23 minutes to live on this earth, I know that because of what Jesus did, I will get to see him one day again in heaven, where his body will be complete, whole and without any illness.

Grief can bring joy. It can bring sadness. But the fact that it brings me closer to Jesus every year, as heart breaking as it can be sometimes, my soul is thankful.

For anything that brings me closer to Him is truly a gift.

Until we meet again, my precious CJ... 

MY BREASTFEEDING DISCOVERY

As many of you know, I have been asking for advice on my breastfeeding journey with Annabelle. With Aaron, I started struggling at 4 months and did what I could- pump after every feeding, supplements, and diet, but after 3 months of trying, it did not increase or help, and we had to do formula fully at 7 months.

With Annabelle, we are trying different methods to see if it will help. I did not want to pump after every feeding and possibly have the same outcome of it not helping. Breastfeeding can already be draining in itself, so to add pumping after every feeding is not something that will be best for our family right now.   

It may seem like a little, but that stuff adds up, and it's just going into the nursing pad and/or gets emptied out to promote more milk.

So many moms were recommending to get the Haakaa. I bought this one without the suction bottom. I wish I bought this one in hindsight to ensure it doesn't fall over after placing it down. And let me tell you, it is AWESOME!!! I did a video review on my Facebook here that you can catch. 

It is SUPER convenient. While nursing Annabelle, I just plop it on the other side so it catches precious milk that would just go into the nursing pad...ahhh, what a waste! Once you get the right suction, it sticks and stays, hands-free! And it is so easy to clean and travel with. No extra bra, or multiple pieces to wash, including the tiny crevices...so it makes doing it for every feeding SO much easier. And currently, I am nursing Annabelle every 2-3 hours, so to have to pump the traditional style after every one like I did with Aaron is not something I could do right now, especially if it would yield the same outcome (or lack thereof). It basically feels like I'd be either nursing, pumping or cleaning the stuff with that schedule. 

So easy and convenient!

It's only been a few days, but I am able to get anywhere between 0.5-1.5 oz for each feeding with minimal effort...which is pretty much the same amount I was getting in my earlier months with Annabelle with pumping the traditional style post-feedings, and definitely more than what I was getting with Aaron. (I'd barely get 0.5 oz most times.)   

I absolutely love the Haakaa! They say that the baby will help increase milk supply the most, so using this to catch the milk on the other side while nursing is genius! I still nurse her on both sides for each feeding, so it has been so easy to use this for each one. If you are breastfeeding, know someone who is, or attending a baby shower soon, this makes an awesome addition to baby "must-haves." Get yours by clicking the image below!

Hello, World!